Good golly, it's Pali!

Reading my previous post, I can't help but notice the heavy use of Pali terms. I apologize if this is confusing or off-putting to those who are unfamiliar... I don't do it to showcase my linguistic talent for ancient languages, but because I've incorporated these words into my vocabulary. Often times they represent concepts to which there is no easy English parallel, or direct translation. As they first appear, I will try to give a synonym or brief description that fits the context of my writing... but several of these concepts warrant volumes to fully explain, so my efforts will likely fall short... I would encourage further investigation for deeper understanding. Two great sources to do this would be: www.accesstoinsight.org and http://dsal.uchicago.edu/dictionaries/pali/

Three's an auspicious number right?

I mean, there's the Buddha/Dhamma/Sangha, there's Sila/Samadhi/Pannya, there's several good trilogies (Star Wars, LOTOR), even the holy trinity for our Christian friends... *grins* Too bad I'm not in the slightest bit superstitious (or faithful for that matter). That said, last night marked 3 days of consecutive meditation practice on my part... it's been longer than I'd like to admit since I've been able to say that... so celebrating the small victories today. To that aim, I'm happy to report the back pain has fallen off quite a bit, don't get me wrong... a 200lb man, with limited flexibility, that's not accustomed to sitting on the floor (read: addicted to high chairs)... is going to be uncomfortable after a fairly short period of time sitting in the half-lotus position... but nice to see the tolerance for it is building rather quickly. Well, that's probably enough about back aches *grins*... now let's move on to belly aching, or more concisely throat/sinus/sickness related belly aching. That's right, that cold or whatever I've been fighting has taken hold... and it comes as no surprise (even for a guy that's rarely sick). My favorite Pali chant reminds me that this is part of the human experience. That chant, is on a very short list (maybe just the one) that I actually know the translation/meaning of in it's entirety... it takes chanting a step beyond puja (verneration) for me... and reminds that there's more than just illness to contend with in samsara (cycle of life)... Anyway, I think it's only fitting to close with so here's the Five Subjects for Frequent Recollection for benefit of myself and readers alike: Jarā-dhammomhi jaraṃ anatīto. I am subject to aging. Aging is unavoidable. Byādhi-dhammomhi byādhiṃ anatīto. I am subject to illness. Illness is unavoidable. Maraṇa-dhammomhi maraṇaṃ anatīto. I am subject to death. Death is unavoidable. Sabbehi me piyehi manāpehi nānā-bhāvo vinā-bhāvo. I will grow different, separate from all that is dear & appealing to me. Kammassakomhi kamma-dāyādo kamma-yoni kamma-bandhu kamma-paṭisaraṇo. I am the owner of my actions, heir to my actions, born of my actions, related through my actions, and live dependent on my actions. Yaṃ kammaṃ karissāmi kalyāṇaṃ vā pāpakaṃ vā tassa dāyādo bhavissāmi. Whatever I do, for good or for evil, to that will I fall heir. Evaṃ amhehi abhiṇhaṃ paccavekkhitabbaṃ. We should often reflect on this. Metta UA

Wat What? Wat

I did promise more info about the Wat. Wat, is a common SE Asian term for temple... and likely one of the more common venues for Theravada Buddhism in your area. Typically home to one or more monks/bhikkus/bhantes/ajahns... chances are you'll find help for your practice there. With a little help from the internet (namely buddhanet's directory) I found a local Wat back in my early twenties... after reading various books, and practicing on my own, I felt the need to incorporate a teacher in my practice, and it seemed the logical place to start. Sure enough, I was fortunate enough to find my teacher, Prah Ajahn Suriyan, there. A disciple of Luang Ta Maha Boowa (a very popular master of the Thai Forest Tradition) Ajahn Suriyan is the gentle type... and at the time of our meeting had an extremely limited grasp of the English language, which oddly enough didn't pose as much of a challenge as you might think... in fact, it may have even been an asset... as many of my questions were met with a simple knowing smile... encouraging me to seek answers from within. Through patience, compassion and tons of metta (and a little help from pocket translators, and ESL efforts from yours truly), the Wat and Ajahn Suriyan have been the most import factors to my practice (aside from the Buddha/Dhamma, of course). He and other monks from the wat fostered my interest in Buddhism and meditation... offering retreats, instruction, countless Dhamma books/tapes, opportunity for ordination into the sangha, tools (such as the mala I use today)... and most importantly, a sterling example in behavior, and in practice. Ajahn Suriyan is now abbot of Wat Buddhasamakidham (www.watbsd.com) in southeast Columbus, Ohio. Where he and two other monks (another Thai, and a Tibetan Lama), serve the local community.

Following up that *sigh*...

Well, I took my own advice and broke out the mala beads once my little one was in bed... 108 metta wishes later, I was back in a good place. Managed to devote the remainder of the evening to dhamma, and ended it with a solid sitting session (so two days under my belt in that goal). None the less, I was still fairly excitable this morning... didn't want to get out of bed, or the shower, or spend the hour getting my little girl to day care... plenty of aversion, but once all the deeds were done, I was able to notice it and let it go (read: not long before sitting down to write this). Addmitadly, there are a few contributing causes to the recent agitation... quitting smoking, combatting a cold, and less than adequate rest... so I guess to some degree, it's been a dependant origination teacher. Even so, mindfulness is still taking a backseat in times of stress... and I see two important things as a result... 1.) there is room for improvement in mindfulness, and 2.) there is desire for improvement... Long story short, I've still got a very long way to go *grins* Major Metta! UA

*sigh*

A night with my toddler has certainly tested my patience...  Namely after spending the weekend tidying up my living space... combating the messes she makes (eating, bathing, etc).  Not easy to remain compassionate when Annie the stampede (aka the humanoid typhoon) is undoing all my hard work.  I was able to keep it from manifesting in outward anger for the most part (may have let a few choice expletives fly... but not the full on tirade that was bubbling up).  Anyway, a few buddhos are in order... or maybe a quick Metta meditation before watching the breath...

After nearly a decade... why now?

Referring back to my intro post, I mentioned being a Buddhist for nearly a decade... and several times floundering along the path. Why, after hearing the dhamma, did it take me so long to put into action (or more importantly, once enacted, why did I backslide?)... to this, I simply answer fear. I have been, and still am, afraid of embracing the dhamma because I've seen it change me... and I inherently know, that some of that change will be irreversible. At some point in that path, whether near or far, I will pass a point of no return... and that is absolutely, fucking horrifying. Don't get me wrong, the prospect of abandoning dukkha is quite enticing... but knowing it means detachment from the lesser happiness as well i.e. laziness, chasing sense pleasures (sex, intoxication, a good movie/book)--many the primary sources of joy in my life... creates a fear... fear born of clinging and desire... the perfect illustration of dukkha in and of itself. This has been, and remains my greatest obstacle in the path... the primary reason "jumping in with both feet" has been so difficult... Fear.

Another progress report, and question

So... very frequent with the updates out of the gate, don't know if that's likely to continue... but I guess there is much to be said about the changes in the mind and development of new habits as one increases effort along the path. First and foremost, I did manage to meditate last night... a little over 20 min (formal sitting), overall a very positive experience. Several momentary absorptions, little to no issue calming the mind, a fair amount of physical discomfort in the back (likely due to posture... but given my recent infrequency in this pursuit, it follows that my body will require some adjustment), and of course those ever present pins and needles... I can't remember a session longer than 10 min where my legs didn't fall asleep... usually takes me a few minutes to feel confident enough to stand... I suspect it's a matter of anatomy, and at worst, it's a minor annoyance, and in most cases an easy target for mindfulness following my session. There was a brightness of the mind following... so much so, that I continued watching the breath once I laid down to sleep... and continued until drowsiness took hold. Maintaining sila went very well yesterday too (at least to the point that my current level of mindfulness would catch), only one notable slip and it was quickly corrected... but still worth mentioning. It was a matter of food given to me by my father (some frozen ham), he wanted to know if I had used any, and I started to tell him recent meal that it could have been used in (some beans), but in reality I had used a hamhock... almost as soon as the fallacy was uttered, I corrected it... and while the volition wasn't to deceive, but rather to make him feel his gift was going to good use... it was still a far cry from skillful speech. I wonder, if the same question was put to me today (after meditating last night), would I still be tempted to placate with a wrong answer? I think the answer is yes, I would at least be tempted, but hopefully mindful enough that the thought wouldn't become speech. It will be interesting to see how this progresses. Of course, if my sila were put under a microscope by someone more skillful than myself, several other points for improvement could be pointed out... again with the idle chatter, maybe some degree of taking what isn't given (again with distraction at work... but I think it was much closer yesterday to the scope of breaks given by my employer than in the past... and I hope to see even more improvement in this area)... and of course, the question of intoxicants. I just recently quit smoking, and have for some time used smokeless tobacco either exclusively or in addition to smoking. Now, there is no question that it's harmful (even if it's much less harmful than cigarettes)... so in some regard, there is unwholesome kamma, but is it an intoxicant? From where I sit (read: upwards of 15 years of nicotine use)... I'd say no, it doesn't dull the mind... but seeing as it's been so long since I've been a non-user, that would certainly be relative to my experience. Google searching has yet to offer a definitive answer (though most I've seen agree with my stance) so I thought I'd poll the opinions of readers. So, what do you think? Is tobacco a violation of the 5th precept? Regardless of the answers, my intent will be to abandon it (like any addiction), but I will say that I doubt it's in the foreseeable future... reducing my intake on the other hand... I hope to begin in the next few weeks... AFTER I've let go of my craving for the cancer sticks. Big time metta! UA

Happy Magha Puja!!!

As we're literally minutes from the cresting of the full moon, I feel it appropriate to make note of a special holiday. I know different traditions celebrate at different times, but many of the Thai (a major influence in my practice) are observing it today (or even over last weekend). I'm not going to go to great lengths to explain the significance of the holiday (google will certainly do a better job than I could)... but I will give a little glimpse into what it means to me. Namely, an opportunity to appreciate the Buddha and the Sangha... and the wonderful gift of Dhamma they shared and continue to share with us. So *bows* *bows* *bows* humbly to that aim... and thanks for bringing your light into this world. Metta!

Progress (and failings) and the middle way

So my last two posts detailed my lofty goals and how I intend to achieve them. This one (and most of those to follow) will serve as a progress report of sorts and how it relates to the middle way. I'll start by saying I'm still much closer to a life of excess (in all things) than the middle way--and a very VERY long way from anything like self-mortification/denial. I have yet to establish the daily meditation practice previously mentioned (which will be my primary goal between now and next writing). In fact, I've only sat once since then, very briefly (less than 10 min) on Saturday during a visit to my wat or temple. For locals reading, you can find more info (and excellent teachers, in my opinion) at www.watbsd.com--more on this subject to come in a later post. Regarding the precepts; proper speech and refraining from intoxicants seem to be my biggest challenge (as predicted). On the former, mainly idle chatter (sharing opinions etc) and the latter, drinking a couple beers after my return trip from the wat. Now I will say that I kept the drinking to two beers (for a 200lb man), so I was far from intoxicated, but I did imbibe none the less... and my goal is complete abstinence. Now I'm not worked up about any of this, or confessing a guilty conscience... I know this is a process, and mistakes are bound to happen, any such sentiments would be counterproductive... clinging is clinging, same for desire--even if it is for improvement. As such, I am fairly proficient at exercising compassion for myself. That said, I believe documenting such events is an important part of the process and will be a measure of progress as this experiment continues. Obviously the same applies to success or forward movement along the path... which there has been plenty of as well. Simply making it to the wat, being in the presence of monks (or any people who practice) is a major support... so I'll call that a win. Additionally, I've spent a few hours listening to Dhamma talks--namely Ajahn Brahm, if you're unfamiliar there are many on youtube (likely 100+ hrs), and he's often quite enjoyable. My mindfulness is improving... and with it productivity, and peace of mind (spelling intended *grins*). And while I haven't done any formal breath meditation, I have managed a little samatha (or calming/concentration) meditation... another method for stilling the mind, there are various methods, but taking up the mantra "Buddho" is the one I've adopted. I often use it before falling asleep, or when my mind is especially agitated (i.e. angry, bored, restless)... I've been known to use it in conjunction with a mala (Buddhist rosary) as well. If any of this strikes a chord, your feedback is most welcomed. Until next time, major Metta! Upasaka Adam

My practice

So the last post told my aim, and a little about why I'm doing it... now let's look at how. At the bare minimum I will aim to uphold the 5 precepts, foster mindfulness, and meditate at least 15 min daily. More specifically, upholding the 5 precepts means abstinence from; killing (or physical harm), wrong speech (lying, hurtful, idle or divisive speech), theft (or taking what is not expressly given), sexual misconduct, and the use of intoxicants... these are the basic moral guidelines the Buddha set forth for a happy household life. By imposing these precepts on myself, at the very least I'll be upholding a blameless life... and if one hopes to be happy, the first step must be to stop creating unhappiness for yourself and others... I believe these guidelines lay a solid foundation for just that. I've read that stream entry, or the first stage of enlightenment, is characterized by an inability to break these precepts... needless to say, I've got a long way to go. Now, I'm no murderer or adulterer... rarely do I find myself with any malicious intent... but I was intoxicated just last night... I frequently let my attention slip to the internet or other thoughts while at work (read: essentially stealing a portion of my salary), and inappropriate speech... that in and of itself seems as lofty a goal as Nibanna at this point... abstaining from idle chatter, what I like to think of as "artful dodging" (read: a true, but misleading or inappropriate answer/statement)... getting these under control is going to be a challenge to say the least... but none the less, my aim is to accomplish just that. Fostering mindfulness will be of great help here... and by fostering mindfulness, I mean paying attention... to thoughts, acts, and deeds... before, during and after they manifest. I'm sure to catch myself slipping on sila, but by paying attention, it's my hope that they will gradually become less frequent... by noticing these faults, and forgiving my shortcomings... and making it a point not to repeat them... I will strive to perfect sila. Last but not least, daily meditation, vipassana, or ananpasati bhavana (mindfulness of breathing meditation). Hands down the cornerstone of my practice... meditating is like intensive training for the mindfulness muscle. By watching the breath, I see the nature of the mind, I strengthen my ability to watch it... I find calm, peace, and joy... that bubbles out of my meditation session into everyday life. As someone who has spent a great deal of time meditating, I know the benefits... the strength of mind, the clarity that manifests from regular practice... and that's exactly what I will rely upon to succeed in the otherwise imposing tasks of maintaining sila and mindfulness in everyday life.

Introductory Post

Hello and welcome to anyone reading! This blog is dedicated to my search of truth and happiness as it relates to following the Buddha's teachings. I have been a Theravada Buddhist for nearly a decade, experimenting with meditation, mindfulness, morality, and basically every aspect of the Eight Fold Path. That said, I've floundered quite a bit, strayed as I allowed myself to be lured deeper into the household life. I've pursued all the various pleasures and distractions of life... only to find them wanting. According to the Buddha, even householders are capable of achieving enlightenment... through further investigation, and practice I plan to make a concerted effort to do just that. Admittedly, the attainment of Nibbana is a lofty goal... but of all my existential searching, my misguided attempts at happiness, and my dabblings in Buddhism to date... I undoubtedly know that failing to attempt such a feat would be a waste of my remaining life. How do I know this? By my success in the path to date. By the happiness I've found in sila, by the states concentration I've reached through meditation, the power I've found in mindfulness... the truth I've seen... it's been just enough to give me a taste of what's possible... a lasting, unshakable happiness... universal knowledge... bliss. It is my sincere hope that this blog will serve as means to support my efforts, and as a source of Dhamma for myself and others. I will update it as pertinent information comes to light... sharing Dhamma that aids me, be it through other sources or self-discovery. I ask that anyone reading this keep in mind, I am not a definitive source (and arguably not even a good one)... these are simply the documentations of my own personal experience, make sure to test and weigh my findings against your own personal experience before accepting any truth to them... just like the Buddha urged us to some 2500+ yrs ago. The following are a few links that have greatly aided my search... I hope you find them useful: www.accesstoinsight.org A self guided tour of Theravada Buddhism and the Pali Cannon, one of the webs largest resources of the Buddha’s teachings presented in there original form (Suttas of the Pali Cannon). www.buddhanet.net Videos, articles, e-books, and a world directory of Buddhist Centers http://www.dhammasukha.org/Study/Talks/Transcripts/MN-118-U-TS.htm An excellent meditation guide for beginners and experts alike, detailing the Buddha’s instruction for mindfulness of breathing meditation.