Two weeks later...

And little to report on this front (read: more of the same unenlightened, day to day stuff). None of the wat trips came to fruition, sitting has given way to smoke and drink... or simply a little extra rest... pretty much just busy chasing sense pleasure and coping with increased stress levels. Work has become markedly more chaotic, the humanoid typhoon (my toddler) has been ever so challenging... and R&R has been much welcomed alternative to being diligent in mindfulness or higher pursuits. Obviously the task of walking the path remains somewhere in the back of my mind (or I wouldn't be writing here)... but until it's back on the forefront, I'll be on hiatus. Metta, UA

Hahahaha!

So, no sooner than I put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) on those last couple posts... Ajahn Sumedho reaches out (via Twitter) with a virtual (or digital) slap in the face... in the following quote: "I am somebody who has to become something that I am not, and has to get rid of my bad traits, my faults, my defilements... If never we see through that, liberation will be a hopeless task". Irritating grammar aside (I'm pretty sure he practices the Queen's English, so we'll cut him some slack)... that quote is in direct competition with the theme or flavor of my recent writings... and points out some fundamental flaws. Namely a desire to change AND a sense of self... and while I grasp the wisdom and meaning of that quote both conceptually and intellectually... it's not something that I know at my core... it's not something I've directly, and personally experienced... as such, it's not something that I've adopted. That said, I'll definitely be contemplating it... and doing my best to "change direction" so to speak. Thanks Ajahn Sumedho! *grins*

The difficulty of right speech

Okay, from the basis of the 5 precepts... often translated as "abstain from false speech"... (read: don't lie) I'd say I do pretty damn well. BUT, that is an extremely narrow interpretation... in fact, most scholars have translated it as "abstain from incorrect speech" (or something to that effect) a thorough explanation of what the Buddha/Suttas deemed "correct/incorrect speech" can be found here: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/ptf/dhamma/sacca/sacca4/samma-vaca/index.html These are the ideals I hold for the words leaving my mouth, and are quite a bit more complicated than just "don't lie". It calls for us to speak not only what's true, but what's pleasing, what's beneficial, what doesn't cause harm, and calls for the abandonment of idle or otherwise useless talk... (read: by and large, it calls for me to keep my big mouth shut). And, if you've been reading this blog... (and you're not a complete moron) you've probably picked up on the fact that I LLLLOOOOOVVVEEE to hear myself talk (or at least type) *grins* I would take it so far as to say that only a mute, a saint, or an enlightened one would perfectly uphold this 4th precept... but that doesn't stop me from trying. In fact, a concept I learned in automotive consulting comes to mind... and that's Kaizen, which is a Japanese term that translates into "continuous improvement"... it has multiple implications, but in my experience, was often applied to ever-present problems... one's that come with an acceptable margin of error (i.e. defects in an extremely complicated process). Basically, it calls for acceptance of the fact that perfection isn't possible at this time... BUT improvement is, and furthermore, improvement is expected (in the instance of the companies I've dealt with, likely demanded). I'm sure the right person could hear "try" or simply "do better" in regards to upholding the 4th precept... sadly, such simplicity is lost on me... I like it complicated, to systematically examine the holy hell out of everything... to think about it... and then think some more... questioning is in my nature, as is finding clear, concise (and woefully complicated) answers *grins* So the 4th Precept = Kaizen in my book *nods* AND... the same could be said for all the other precepts, mindfulness, walking the 8 fold path, understanding the 4 noble truths... well... Buddhism in general. KAIZEN!

More of the same...

Last night was spent re-cooperating from Sunday's festivities... caught a couple tv shows, relaxed... blah, blah, blah. Long story short, 3 days under my belt without meditation. Hope to break that streak tonight. I am still making some efforts towards sila and mindfulness... but much of the same to report there too. "Right speech" remains the biggest challenge, but overall sila is solid... mindfulness still comes much easier under low stress conditions. Both yesterday and today there has been a noticeable "clouding" of the mind... fallout from breaking the 5th I'm sure, likely compounded by lack of efforts in meditation too. Kinda like two steps forward and one step back... there's a song about that, right? As I've said, it'll be my aim to get back on track with the meditation tonight... I'll likely go for refuge in the Sangha (read: visit the wat) in the near future (at some point before this week is out). Maybe formally taking the 5 precepts (from one of the monks) will help me keep to them a little more closely... again, I don't put a lot of stock in puja... but, hey... it certainly doesn't hurt. Overall, a bit jaded today... but stumbling (and coming to terms with it) isn't the most pleasant experience... and to compound matters it's been a fairly stressful day in the office... hopefully I can turn it into an opportunity to see Dukkha and it's nature... but we'll see if I'm wise enough for that *winks* Metta! UA

Progress(ing away from the path)

Sitting session 5 went off without a hitch Friday night, but as the title implies... the rest of the weekend wasn't so good for progress. Sat & Sun were devoted almost entirely to chasing sense pleasures (junk food, tv shows, music, movies, surfing the web... okay porn *grins*) and for my coup de grace last night, I drank to the point of vomiting AND revisited the old smoking habit... and quite enjoyed all of it... fully knowing it was getting me no closer to my goal. It brings to mind a quote a picked up in Catholic school "Lord, Give me chastity and continence, but don't give it to me yet" - Saint Augustine. So does this mean I've abandoned the path? Hardly... I'll follow that up with another quote for wow fans... "it was merely a setback" - Kael'thas Sunstrider *grins* I will be dusting myself off and starting again. It also calls to question, is the middle way relative to one's personal experience? I mean, the Buddha surely knew a life of excess as a prince, but he began the middle path from a point of extreme asceticism... not knowing such self-torment is the middle path he walked a little too close to the "string being too tight" side for me, and did it in essence "snap" this weekend? I know "gradual" is a prevailing theme in the teachings so even if that isn't the case, maybe it was just too much too fast... or is it likely I'm lacking some fundamental element of Right View/Understanding? Regardless of the cause, difficulty is to be expected... I mean if it were easy, everyone would be enlightened, right? Maha Metta! UA

Not a lot to say... today

Shocking, right? Well... managed sitting session #4... had plenty of time last night, so I took a slightly different approach--instead of setting an alarm to end the session, I just started a stopwatch and decided to let my meditation decide when I was through (17min and 45 sec). All in all, my success with sila holds (and is improving)... and despite being sick I still find myself with a strong mind. Going into the weekend, it is my hope to step the meditation up to twice daily... adding a morning session to the routine. Not sure if this will stick... historically morning sitting (through the week) doesn't go so well for two reasons... 1.) discipline, all too often the snooze button is very welcomed in the am, and 2.) distraction... first thing in the morning, my mind gravitates from the breath to whatever is on my To-Do-List that day (work, what I'll be wearing/eating, etc)... all the more reason to strive for it but I'm not going to make it mandatory just yet. Metta UA